First I want to say, how touched I have been by all of the positive feedback on mine and Chris' journey of starting our family!
One of my reasons for starting this blog was to share our journey of trying to conceive with the hope that it would bring some of you peace in your own journey. I have also found this to be therapeutic for me as we wait.
I have also cherished all of those who have reached out and have given uplifting comments or who have taken the time to check in with me on our journey, it means the world and your kind gestures have not gone unnoticed!
With that being said, I thought that I could fill you guys in on some new things that have happened over the last month.
For those who are new to the blog, my husband and I have been trying to conceive for a little over a year now. We are both under 30 and have not gone in for any fertility help, mostly due to our current weight and wanting to make our bodies healthier. I also have been putting off setting up an appointment due to fear.
I don't want to go in and have them tell us there is something wrong with me. An even greater fear is the doctors telling us there is something wrong with Chris. He has been so sensitive about our process and it would break my heart to see his heart broken.
However, I know it needs to be done. I recently had a conversation with a friend that brought me peace and a little perspective. She said, "There may be nothing wrong with either of you, but the doctors are there to help you and to give you tools that you need to take your next steps." I have been holding onto an irrational fear, when I could be getting the help I need, or didn't know I needed. So I made an appointment this week!
The next idea I had and step I wanted to take, I tossed around in my head for months!
I wanted to set up the nursery.
The first thing I did was paint the room, this was an easy decision to make. The room was the same muddy brown color that the bulk of the house was painted when we moved in. I liked the idea of a pale green color for a nursery. Neither of us want to know the gender of our first born and I felt that everyone else was painting their nursery's gray, so Foamy Green it was!
For awhile we kept it as an extra guest room and when I nannied over the summer this was a crafting room for the girls.
Then my mom gave me a bouncy seat she had and the cradle I used as a baby. We originally stored them in the garage, but I didn't want something to happen to them (garages aren't the cleanest place to store special baby items) and we moved them up to the "future baby room."
The company I had worked for, was a marketplace, and as an affiliate I purchased some of the baby items to display at my shows. After they went out of business I knew I would keep them for our someday babies and they also were stored in the "future baby room."
As I was folding them, I looked down at the soft plush lovies and burp cloths. Then my gaze shifted towards the empty cradle. All signs that a baby lived here or at least that a baby was on it's way, but the reality was, it wasn't. A sudden wave of depression came over me. I texted Chris and he came upstairs to find me, in my office, sitting in my rocking chair, with a tear stained face.
The room had become a symbol of what I don't have, and it made me sad. I was bitter and found no joy. I had been angry and confused with God to the point of shutting Him out of my struggle. I was living life as fine most days, and other days I had no motivation.
Then a dear friend, who is in the process of adopting, posted about their nursery all set up. They could get the call any minute, or it could be a few more years before becoming parents. She talked about a story in her prayer devotional "about a farmer who put his waders on in the middle of a drought, because he was trusting that God would bring rain soon." And this led to her comparing that story to their setting the nursery up, while waiting for their baby.
Hebrews 11:1 "Faith shows the reality of what we hope for; it is the evidence of things we cannot see."
A sense of relief washed over me, it was okay to put up cradles and fold away burp cloths, even when there was no sign of a baby coming. I wanted to make a big decision, I wanted to buy a crib. Of course, when bringing this up to Chris, he immediately thought I was wanting a crib because I had taken a positive test. I explained why, and so we bought one and assembled it.
We also moved the rocking chair from my office into the nursery as well as a bookshelf/cubby we were storing in the basement. I went through all of my childhood books and stored them on the shelving unit.
All we need, furniture-wise, is a dresser/changing station. For now the crafting/coffee table is still in there.
I have decided to spend every morning in here. To journal and meditate on God's word and to have full blown conversations with Him. I talk out loud, which at first felt silly, but God is always there. I never have to schedule a time and date, I can always just tell Him my frustrations and ask for things.
I have been focusing, a lot, this year on changing my mindset. I have been changing it through my weight loss journey, and now I am changing it with our conception journey. I used to walk by the room and think of what we didn't have. Now I sit in the room, every morning and think of what will be!
If you are sailing in the same or even a similar boat as me, I pray you will keep your faith and find hope or inspiration from this post. I pray that you start changing your mindset and think positively! Also, know that it is normal to feel sad and longing, but don't dwell in the sadness. Have a small pity party and pick yourself back up. And if you are putting off an appointment, like me, cast your fears aside.
"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7 (NIV)
Here is a link to the journals I am writing in as we wait for our blessing:
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Love this, and love you! 😘
Beautifully said Kaitlyn. I love you and continue to pray for you and Chris and your future family. Stay positive and keep the faith. God will provide.
Well I love this. The nursery is so sweet. You are truly awesome for sharing your struggles with others in the hopes it will bring someone peace. Keep me posted- and THANK YOU for the sweet prize!