Most often we hear heartwarming and sometimes heart wrenching stories from women of all ages who have struggled with conceiving a child. Stories of 10+ years of trying, fertility treatments and even miscarriages. And we usually read these stories after a sweet little blessing has been given to said family.
Why not talk about our struggles now? I know some are very private about their efforts in the creating life process and I completely respect that decision and understand, I was the same way. I didn't want anyone to know we were trying to conceive not even our parents or siblings! But when month after month after month passed by and there was still no bundle of joy in my arms, I felt convicted to share my story while it was still happening (present tense).
The Story:
As long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a mom. I think ever since I knew what a mom was, as I grew older I realized I would need a partner. Maybe you can blame the Disney movies or the endless amounts of romances I rooted for in movies and television, but I fell in love with LOVE. I dreamed of the perfect man who would adore me and make me the happiest woman in the world and someone that would be a great dad, the special someone to grow old together with.
For the first 24 years of my life I remained single, a hopeless romantic waiting like a princess in a fairytale for my Prince to arrive. I always had people telling me I'd never find a man who fit all of my qualifications and that I was being too picky. Well, to anyone reading this who also has their own "impossible" list, hold tight to it! Because my man was out there. And yes he has flaws and we work on our marriage like all couples do, but he is everything I could have asked for and then some!
So, now I am of the perfect age and I have found the perfect man, we bought a house and adopted our sweet Loki boy and are married... where's the baby?
Getting married in our mid-20's and my passion to have kids I was pretty anxious to start trying right away, but Chris wanted to wait a little bit before bringing life into this world. I was a good and compromising wife and truly did see the logic behind waiting a bit, getting our finances in order and enjoying married life, so onto birth control I went.
We were married in July 2019 and we had compromised to start trying in March 2020. So by September my gears started turning... "What would the difference be between starting now or in 6 months?" I came to Chris with this, along with my strong intuition that we would not be getting pregnant instantly (woman's intuition should never be ignored!) Chris agreed and so I got off birth control at the end of September.
October, November, December- "Wouldn't it be great if we could announce our pregnancy to family as a Christmas gift?"
January, February- (skipped a period (not normal for me)) "Wouldn't this be the best Birthday gift from God?"
March, April, May- "What a wonderful surprise for our mothers to announce we are expecting."
NOTHING. Many of you, at this point are probably wondering "Why haven't they seen a doctor???" I am not against modern medicine by any means. But my entire life I have tried things naturally before resulting to meds. To this day I will take a nap and apply peppermint oil before I grab the Excedrin bottle. Also Covid-19 happened and I was not going to waltz into any kind of hospital or doctor's office. I wanted both of us to get healthier and drop some weight before seeing any specialist, knowing that weight can be a huge factor in struggling to conceive.
The day before Mother's Day 2020 I was a wreck, I couldn't sleep. Tossing and turning, knowing what the next day was about. I got out of bed and went into my office, hoping I could let Chris get some sleep while I cried. He followed me, however, and held me and told me it would all be alright.
June, I thought it could be a nice surprise to tell our families on Father's Day, still trying to convince God to do it MY way. Still, nothing.
July, as you may have read in the previous post, brought the nearing of the new company. Excited to start advertising more than jewelry and longing to be done with Nannying, I prayed. And once making the decision to quit, God made my life very clear. I saw He wanted me to have some time for myself before losing any piece of my identity in my future children (if you aren't familiar with the enneagram I'll explain more at a later time. If you are familiar I am a 9). Some of you will have a hard time wrapping your head around this next part... I felt peace.
How can a girl who has obsessed her whole life about being a mom, suddenly "not care"? God. He did the exact same thing for me throughout middle school and high school and college when every one around me was finding their life partner. After so many years of moping and crying I decided to give the "search for my husband" completely to God and he delivered. So why not now with this next piece I've been missing? Why not give having children up to God? See on that day that I decided to change my career and focus on taking care of myself God touched my heart and made it rest in Him FULLY. It's not easy to do but once you've made a fool of yourself for so long that you can actually hear God chuckle at your human-like ways, you look up to Heaven and say "Okay. You've got this."
Am I saying that it won't hurt from time to time? No. I still have my days where I get sad but it makes getting glad a lot easier, knowing He's got this!
Chris and I have this thing with God's perfect timing:
-It was hot & sunny during our wedding pictures, and the moment we came inside to start the ceremony it rained (good luck for a wedding, by the way!)
-We put an offer on our house the day the old owners put it up on the market!
-It poured buckets the day Chris proposed, but the sun shined bright when he got down on his knee
-We met one another at the perfect time
And when the timing is right, God will bless our family further by growing it. So take my advice and give whatever you are waiting on to God. He is good and faithful and knows best!
So proud of you for sharing your story. Your faithfulness to God and his plan for your life is inspiring. Love you, sweet friend!
As , your Mother, I can not even begin to tell you how blessed I am to see God working in and through you and your life. It brings me so much joy. I am praying for your children even now, and that one day you will look back and feel as blessed as I do, when you see them striving to be what God wants them to be and letting Him lead while they follow. Thank you for sharing your heart. I love you.