At the beginning of the month we announced we were in for a fun year ahead, and then we paused. We watched as the rest of our friends and family congratulated us, and then we stepped into the new year and the new month with no structured plan.
We knew what the next step was, but neither of us were ready to take the plunge and dive right in... why?
When anyone would ask us what the next step was in our process we would tell them we still had yet to apply and that after budgeting for January we saw that we'd be able to apply at the end of the month, especially as our application fee is $150. Which believe me is small potatoes when you look at what everything else costs in the adoption process.
We are also, simultaneously saving up for a garage repair, thanks to yours truly. Awhile back I miscalculated the distance between the edge of my car and the edge of my side of the garage and so we must manually open and close our garage door, oh and the price to fix is a pretty penny!
I think with that in mind we've been putting off applying because we want to be smart and we told ourselves this adoption journey would be at our own pace and that we could move as slowly or as quickly as we wanted.
Truthfully I'm scared. I'm afraid that if we jump in there's no turning back and that with each step accomplished we get one step closer to having a baby. And in the state of Michigan the birth mother has a certain time frame where she can change her mind and take the baby back. So I'm afraid, afraid that we'll get so far and then lose our baby.
I am reminded that even people who go through the physical act of becoming parents also have these fears, with every trimester there is a victory that the baby made it and is healthy and the worry of what comes next. Even after our children are in our lives we fear for their loss. We want them to be safe at all times and we worry about their health and wellbeing constantly!
I asked Chris what his hesitations were and he explained he was also afraid, but of rejection. You can apply to an agency but it doesn't mean you are accepted. And the thought of being rejected, even just once stresses him out.
I should also add that I've thought, what if I get pregnant??? Now nothing has happened yet but I've had slightly different symptoms the week leading up to my period. Dizziness one day, nausea and (TMI) diarrhea another, and few others I won't mention here. And they might just be caused from stress, which hello to the depressing January we've had so far! but my mind wonders if I could be pregnant too?
So what do we do? Wait until the end of January? Maybe. But what if all of my overwhelmed feelings are rooted in this "waiting on the edge of my seat" feeling, as my counselor so wonderfully asked me.
I really don't have the answer to that question, but it's just been something I've been thinking about and pondering over. A lot of times I will wait until I have my answers figured out so that I can share with you all my big ole' revelations.
But today I think I'm going to leave this here as it is. Unanswered.
Someday I'll look back and know exactly what my hold-up was. But for now maybe you and I can just sit in the uncertainty and pray for direction. Maybe we will apply this weekend or maybe we will wait until the end of January. Ultimately the choice is ours and I hope you know you control most of your destiny as well.
Whatever you're struggling with, know you're not alone. We all are afraid to take the next step and move forward, and whenever we do move it will be okay and God has got us through every step we journey down.
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