Coming up on 2 years of trying to get pregnant. I knew it would take us awhile to conceive, but the weight of knowing we’ve been trying for 2 years has hit me hard recently.
I know there are some who have been trying or have tried for a lot longer. I know God has a beautiful plan set in place and I know and trust in the perfect timing God has set aside for our family, but I am still human.
I feel most days like I have my head on my shoulders and then every once in a while, though it’s not often, I do feel the pain, the weight, the heartache. I feel the extreme joy for others on their parenting journey and at the exact same time my heart hurts.
When will our time come? Why don’t we have all the answers? Where is our clear direction for what path to invest in? What should we do while we wait?
What should we do while we wait?
Travel, home projects, invest in our family and friends, focus on our health (mental + physical), strengthen our relationships with God, with one another…
Sometimes, I feel like it’s all just to distract me from the pain and maybe I'm missing something, maybe I am not living the life I could be, maybe I am too afraid to put myself out there, or maybe I am overreacting and it's not as bad as I think. Maybe it's all a numbers game.
I recently learned that there are some people who like to pay attention to time and numbers specifically. This is by, no means something new, people have been fascinated by numbers since the beginning of time. But it got me wondering...
2 years...
Most of the jobs I have worked had a maximum time limit of 2 years.
When I was single I lived in a house with 2 roommates, 1 of which informed me that no woman lived in that house for more than 2 years before leaving to get married (2 years later I was engaged)
2 years before I met Chris, I wrote my future husband a letter.
We have now been happily married for 2 years.
And it feels full circle that 2 years ago we traveled to Colorado to visit 2 of our friends after we made the decision to start trying to conceive and that 2 years later we will be attending the same 2 friends' wedding.
It feels like something could be coming, but I have been playing this song and dance for 2 years now, and am afraid to listen to the universe, and to the numbers all to be disappointed yet again. Do I throw myself into this numbers theory all to get hurt? I just don't know.
I do know that God couldn't have picked out a better partner than Chris for me. He has been such a blessing to me and is always asking how he can be helpful, how he can be better and what I need from him. I love you Christopher and am grateful for you every day!
I don't think I will end this post with a positive spin. Firstly, because as I write I don't feel positive, and secondly I know that so many of you are also waiting on something and are tired of reading all the fluff pieces about having faith and hearing that your time is coming. Even though I believe in all of that for myself, I also know that I don't always feel it, and that all of our feelings are valid, the good and the bad.
So whatever you are going through, whatever you are waiting on, however you are feeling, I get it. I won't try to cheer you up, instead, I think I'll just sit with you, in the silence or the loud snot-filled sobbing, because sometimes that's all we need.
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